The root...

just wanna say here that, the root of my confusion might probably be denial.

unable to accept the fact that i am different and the need to conform to societal and family values, i am forced to live the life of a person who is not myself. each day it gets harder, each day it gets lonelier and yet i am still holding on tightly with what i force myself to believe in.

though accepting the truth may lift major burdens from my shoulders, but after a long thought, i realized that nothing would change. i would still remain the same and be wary of other people's perception and that's no different than worrying about the stuffs i deny.

life isn't fair, but i do hope that there is someone out there with the same sentiments and understands my confusion to share with...for now, i'll rely on myself to keep things going for my sake. come on, face it...it's always nice to come home to someone and say 'hey babe, how was your day?' or before going to bed 'goodnite and love you babe' and fall asleep in each other's embrace.

i miss those kinda moments and frankly i'm beginning to wonder if that moment will ever come again. maybe, i should just stop hoping because just maybe, i'm one of the few who are not destined to be in a relationship...

maybe, being an observer isn't so bad after all...

ciao...

one night stands...

it's well known that being single isn't exactly fun. no matter how hard you try to make your life exciting to compensate for not having anyone by your side, the fact remains that there's a feeling of something missing, like a big hole which can't be closed up regardless how many times you try.

being human, which separates us differently as a unique individual, deal with the loneliness in our own ways. If as a child we compensate the loneliness by having imaginary friends or creating much trouble to our parents or guardians, as adults we didn't stray away too far from that path. difference is, we are now responsible for our own actions.

most single guys would fill up the hole with 'extra-curricular' activities which doesn't involve a relationship. sex is just a thing to do to pass the time and to release the sexual tension of needing to 'do it' with another person because face it, orgasm is better when someone is there to please you. though one night stand is a remedy for temporary relief from loneliness, it's definitely not the solution.

one night stands have its pros and cons. but if we look at it in the long run, the cons outweighs the pros by two folds. yeah, it is exciting to have a touch and go session with a stranger but in current times, danger lurks more prevalently compared to how it was few decades or centuries ago with the risk of getting STDs, getting yourself killed or being duped by con artists.

though i am aware of the consequences, i am still having thoughts of taking the half day off and cruise for strangers who are willing to blow me off...and if they're good looking, i might get to have actual sex.

still... getting positive sexual feedback from the certain networking sites which subtly promotes one night stands, i am still weighing my options of whether to go ahead with the bunch of requests wanting to blow me off or to fuck them. i've done my shares of one night stands and i can tell you that the thrill and excitement is addictive. although i've acted on it few times, i am still being held down by my own guilty conscience on a religious and cultural perspective, and of the need to explain my past to the person i'll be waking up to every morning in the future..if my conquests was ever questioned....

yeah, i may sound like i'm contradicting myself, but from what i can gather or experienced, one night stand is a blast, but having sex with someone you really care about is more fulfilling.

hmmm, that settles it. maybe i will stick to one night stands until the right person comes along...

i am gay, and it's okay

it's understandable why most heterosexuals are against homosexuals, after all, we are living in a heterosexual world. the years of growing up being told that being gay is a sin and condemnation from all sides of various religions for such act gave a reason for the so called righteous people to ostracize the people different from them. i mean, it's easy for them to do what they do because they're not born different. it's especially worse in Muslim nations, and one of them is Malaysia, the country where i was born in and raised.

sometimes i wonder where does these people keep their rationality and logic because, if they think of the situation clearly, it's not that these people wanted to be the way they are, in fact, most are born this way. there are even scientific proofs to support that gay people are born and not made, which goes the same for the heterosexuals.

besides, what is there to be achieved to repress an individual's sexual orientation? is it going to make the world more productive? they should look at the bright side, if heteros seeks out heteros, the same applies to homos as well. if it's against the person's religious teachings, too bad..at least we know who goes to hell right and it's none of your problem.

anyway, i just wanna say that there's nothing wrong with being gay. it's not a choice and definitely not a way of life. but still, we are only humans and some are born different than the others.

so whois my current hero? i have to say the guy in this video...

temporary lapse of judgment...

yeah, i moved to another state as per my last post and frankly, i'm loving every bit of my independent life here :)

right now i'm somewhat tipsy, but that's quite normal..what's strange is that, i am missing my ex so much! pathetic isn't it, and after all these while i thought i've gotten over the relationship. apparently i'm mistaken, let's just hope i don't do anything stupid like making a phone call haha.

but then again, i would've called...but seeing how happy my ex is with the 'boyfriend', i don't think that would be a wise move. and what i feel and want doesn't mean that the ex is expecting the same thing from me, because it has been made clear to me that i am just to be a friend and there wont be any other chances in the future. okay, it wasn't exactly said out loud...but that was implied :p. besides, despite having this feeling...i deserve to be happy right? i mean, i don't have to be too hung up with things that will never happen again, right? :)

anyhow, i just wanna say:

'i miss you and will always love you, and that's why we really can't be friends...besides, you're happy with where you are now, or at least, your boyfriend is happy to be with you. but who wouldn't be right? anyway, love you... :)'

shites...

damn, 2 more months and it'll be a year since i last updated you. but you know what, that only goes to show that i'm doing pretty well with my life and don't feel bad because the other blog has been neglected for quite sometime now (although it does get updated once in while :P)

anyhow, i'll be moving to another state soon and i'm looking forward to it. just can't wait to get my hands on the offer letter. i'm not sure how the change will affect me but i dont really care...i need to get away, work at some place where people doesn't know me, but being in the PR line...that's never gonna happen, especially when working with a MNC in the big metro. the hell with it, it's time for me to re-invent myself and reach up to my fullest potential and maybe along the way find someone whom as geeky as i am but still in the cool zone haha (yeah, self praise is no praise..i know haha).

i wouldn't count much on being in a relationship anytime soon. being too much of a homebody and someone who prefers his privacy at home either alone or with someone special just doesn't click with anyone's idea of being in a perfect relationship. and if that person does show up, i may need a hard knock on the head to tell me that the person i've been waiting for is right in front of me haha.

i've been rambling haven't i? well, hopefully this is worth nearly a year's entry :p. till later bloggie :)..

panicked...

hey you,

i nearly freaked out cos i thought you had been deleted or i may have forgotten your password. tried every email i had and i still couldn't log in to you. i panicked, but after awhile i realized that i entered the wrong password hahaha. dont worry, i have no intention of deleting you :)..

ps: i'm sorry for not updating you regularly. owh, enjoy this clip. cheers :)

hung up on....

i still find it strange that after all these while, after haven't been in contact with that person for nearly half a year...i'm still so much in love with my ex. yeah i know..sad isn't it?

everynight without miss, i would bid my ex goodnight, there isn't a day when i dont think of that person but the most sad part of it is that, i keep telling myself that what i'm feeling isn't love at all hoping that i may wake up one day with none of the feeling now. probably i'm one of those guys who just likes the idea of being in love and not the real aspect of love itself, but if it's not love i'm feeling...than what is? i know it's not infatuation because it shouldn't hurt so much...confusing isn't it :).

waddya know..i am pathetic :).

ps: hey, this is my problem and i will deal with it the best way i know how :)...