The root...

just wanna say here that, the root of my confusion might probably be denial.

unable to accept the fact that i am different and the need to conform to societal and family values, i am forced to live the life of a person who is not myself. each day it gets harder, each day it gets lonelier and yet i am still holding on tightly with what i force myself to believe in.

though accepting the truth may lift major burdens from my shoulders, but after a long thought, i realized that nothing would change. i would still remain the same and be wary of other people's perception and that's no different than worrying about the stuffs i deny.

life isn't fair, but i do hope that there is someone out there with the same sentiments and understands my confusion to share with...for now, i'll rely on myself to keep things going for my sake. come on, face it...it's always nice to come home to someone and say 'hey babe, how was your day?' or before going to bed 'goodnite and love you babe' and fall asleep in each other's embrace.

i miss those kinda moments and frankly i'm beginning to wonder if that moment will ever come again. maybe, i should just stop hoping because just maybe, i'm one of the few who are not destined to be in a relationship...

maybe, being an observer isn't so bad after all...

ciao...

one night stands...

it's well known that being single isn't exactly fun. no matter how hard you try to make your life exciting to compensate for not having anyone by your side, the fact remains that there's a feeling of something missing, like a big hole which can't be closed up regardless how many times you try.

being human, which separates us differently as a unique individual, deal with the loneliness in our own ways. If as a child we compensate the loneliness by having imaginary friends or creating much trouble to our parents or guardians, as adults we didn't stray away too far from that path. difference is, we are now responsible for our own actions.

most single guys would fill up the hole with 'extra-curricular' activities which doesn't involve a relationship. sex is just a thing to do to pass the time and to release the sexual tension of needing to 'do it' with another person because face it, orgasm is better when someone is there to please you. though one night stand is a remedy for temporary relief from loneliness, it's definitely not the solution.

one night stands have its pros and cons. but if we look at it in the long run, the cons outweighs the pros by two folds. yeah, it is exciting to have a touch and go session with a stranger but in current times, danger lurks more prevalently compared to how it was few decades or centuries ago with the risk of getting STDs, getting yourself killed or being duped by con artists.

though i am aware of the consequences, i am still having thoughts of taking the half day off and cruise for strangers who are willing to blow me off...and if they're good looking, i might get to have actual sex.

still... getting positive sexual feedback from the certain networking sites which subtly promotes one night stands, i am still weighing my options of whether to go ahead with the bunch of requests wanting to blow me off or to fuck them. i've done my shares of one night stands and i can tell you that the thrill and excitement is addictive. although i've acted on it few times, i am still being held down by my own guilty conscience on a religious and cultural perspective, and of the need to explain my past to the person i'll be waking up to every morning in the future..if my conquests was ever questioned....

yeah, i may sound like i'm contradicting myself, but from what i can gather or experienced, one night stand is a blast, but having sex with someone you really care about is more fulfilling.

hmmm, that settles it. maybe i will stick to one night stands until the right person comes along...