'hmm...guessed as much. you're happy with the way you're now, and you never needed me to be happy. i'm glad for you and happy for your transition. may you be happy always'

love, miss and hugs,
me...

noon rambling...

Dear Bloggie,

am really sorry, but the entry this time just for you to ponder on a thought i've been having for quite a while and i'm dedicating it to my ex..

"To you dear ex, it pains me to know you're enjoying your life as it is now, i'm not wishing you any ill intentions but just thinking that i no loner mattered pains me. nah, i dont think you would understand.

i don't really have much to say..just that, i'm still so much in love with you, and i'm really sorry i wasn't good enough for you...ciao"

that's all bloggie...

more confusion...

yo bloggie (i really gotta get you a name haha),

yeah, still deeply in love with the ex and cant get the ex outta my mind. yeah, i know it's not healthy..but there's nothing much i can do right? then again, i just want you to know that...at least am in control now and doing much better than before.

okay, honestly..i think i am doing fine..until the ex started participating in an activity i've already participated in and it worries me so much that we might bump into each other cos i really wouldn't know what to do. i've been fine all these while cos there wasn't any contact and we haven't met up for quite sometime now..but now, just thinking that we might be in the same activity together is making me restless...gosh, i really dont know what to do...

well...that's all for now, will try to update more often okay...

drowsy rambling hehe

Hey Bloggie,

Remember the sex buddy i mentioned in my previous entry. FYI, i've only done penetration with SB (Sex Buddy) twice and after the second time, i started having second thoughts..

yeps, second thoughts and ever since the last session..i have been celibate. you must be wondering why was i having second thoughts? you must be thinking what is wrong wit me since any other guys would definitely do sex at every given opportunities.

let's just say, after the second session..my head got a lot clearer. the only reason i did it in the first place was because.., i felt damn lonely and i needed someone to be there for me. but after giving it much thought, i realised that i am not a guy who would do sex with any random persons. but what's done is done, the best i can do now is to learn from mistakes, straighten things up and get back on track :). and you know something...i am pretty sure everything is falling into place right now, like they said..'ignorance is bliss', and in my case, it really is :).

gonna hit the sack now, so goodnite :)

ps: missess that person so damn much that i would do whatever it takes to be back together. but that wouldn't be right, no? hehehe. anyhow, hope that person is having fun with the trip now, and hopefully i am being thought of all the time...gosh, this sucks big time...

update...

hey there blog,

maybe i should give you a name, probably i will...once i've found something which suits you, so for now, you're stuck with 'blog' hehehe.

my apologies for haven't been writing any entries lately, i wanted to but i suddenly realised that whenever i do come up with something, the other person is always in mind and i am trying real hard to forget that person...

things has been going pretty well for me, nothing great but just okay. guess what, i've made new friends as well, cool eh. but even with these new friends, even when i do parade a smile like nothing really bothers me..the fact is, i'm still kinda hurt inside and honestly speaking...i miss that person a whole damn much. yeah, i know..with all the silence and no contacts for about nearly a month, i should've gotten over the fact tha the person and i are no longer together. but that's not the case here..i still think about that person 24-7 (more like every minute hehehe), and i can't stop wondering if the person is as well. but who am i kidding hahaha, that person must be having a blast without me an as excess baggage and i should be happy for that...gosh, this still sucks..big time.

i've been thinking of being in a new relationship...but unless i get over my past relationship, i can't imagine myself being in a new one hehe. talk about self bashing haha..

anyways, it's quite late now and i should be geting my sleep. to that person, i just wanna say...goodnite and miss you whole damn much...

ps: yeah blog, i miss you too..goodnite (talk about being pathetic hahaha)

miss na miss kita...

Dear blog,

i've been reading the person's blog entries. sometimes i do feel like that person was writing to me, sharing with me the stuff that needs to be shared. but then again, maybe i'm just so full of air. for all i know that person might probably have someone else in mind.

the same goes for the person's Yahoo Messenger status message, like today..the person wrote 'miss na miss kita', i dunno if it was meant for me to read or for someone else..so i decided to ignore it although deep down i was fighting not to reply..

i just dont wan't to make the same mistake again, i don't want to hurt either one of us...cos i know not everything is about me. i've learned my lesson from experience, this time...i'm not reading between the lines, i will only take note on what is directed to me. fair enough right?

i cried last night, yeah..dont laugh. was watching a Japanese movie ('Koizora' i think) and it got me thinking alot about love. yeah, guess what..i'm a sucker for romantic movies hehehe.

i still think that i should at least be friends with that person, but not now..or until i have gotten over this thing called love (which will take a very long time...cos my feelings hasn't changed one bit...). if i were to sacrifice my own happiness for the person's sake, than this is the least i can do...to be out from the picture.

ps: man, it feels like i just got a knife stabbed through my heart...

adios...

the reply...

Dear blog,

read this:
"guardamos silenciosamente cuando no hay nada dejado parea hablar"

hmm...pretty sure the grammar was off, but from what i can gather, this was what the person wanted to say:

"let's keep quiet if there is nothing left to talk/say".

that person has a point...and i will honor that person's request. this still sucks cos i'm still so much in love...

pleasures and regrets?

hey blog...

been contemplating of what i've done for the past week. i dunno, i should be glad that i'm doing well nowadays..but even with a sex buddy, i still feel somewhat empty like a piece of me is missing. who am i kidding, i know exactly the reason why i'm feeling this way..that's because i haven't gotten over that one special person, the one person who has ever made me feel complete in every sense...and it still hurts so bad whenever i think about what we had.

i could've wished that we never have to part ways, but then..i wished a lot of things but none of it ever came true andin the end, i was left with dissapointment. sad isn't it...but the most sad thing is that, i dont think i can get over that person...that person was 'the' love of my life, if only that person knows it..of how much i am in love...

sad aren't i? i know..tsk tsk...trying hard to move on...

the sex buddy :)

hey bloggie,

did it again today...had my second round of sex with the same person and this time i learned something new about myself. i love f***ing someone else..just hearing them moan and watching them squirm gets me going everytime hahaha, and i can go on even after shooting my load, how cool is that?!! yeah and one more thing...i now have a sex buddy, hehe...

just got home, we had a 2 hour session at a sleazy motel nearby the pub i normally frequent. damn tired and sleepy..goodnight and will post more entry soon :).

even though it's fun, i had to set a limit as to how many times a week we should meet up for casual pleasures..decided on Saturday nights instead hehehe.

ciao...

sex and celibacy...

hey blog,

been quite sometime since i had any real physical pleasures, well..nearly a year to be exact, and after all those waiting and hoping i've finally given up and did it with someone random. man, it was hot...we started making out at public places before heading to that person's place hahaha.

fyi, i've never done any ONS with anyone before, but that night..i felt so free or felt like wanting to be free i decided to let loose and enjoy myself. not to brag here, but whenever i let loose and be my ignorant self, i seem to attract attention (not in a head turning kinda way, more like the charisma within me oozes out and makes the people around me damn comfortable haha).

honestly, i didn't mind the sex (it was hot though...really damn hot, but that's only my personal opinion hehe) but i can't help but wish that i was doing it with that one special person tsk tsk...

right okay, here are the important events to remember for this month/week:

August 05th 2008: i was finally let go and liberated from my confusions. what makes this day special is, it didn't come from me...

August 10th 2008: broke my celibacy period after going through it nearly a year without having any (loyalty sucks hahaha)

Ciao...will try to do my best to update you on the things happening with me okay :)

the chat...

Hey there,

Kinda early with my posting today aren't i? :). well, just so you know, i had a chat with that person. here are what was talked about...

the One: ko ok ka?
basket case: buli laa..
basket case: ko?
the One: mcm buli la
basket case: emm...ok tu..
the One: ok juga la sa rasa
basket case: cool...
the One: I want you to be happy dude
the One: I don't want you to punish yourself
the One: you're not doing it right
the One: you clever and intelligent
the One: you know what you;re doing is not good for you
basket case: i want to be happy...
the One: for once, get yourself out of all this thing yg buat ko nda keruan...
the One: ko buli baitu
basket case: and i am trying to be
the One: i hope and really pray hard that you would be
basket case: then again...being smart and intelligent has nothing to do when it comes to matters like this...
basket case: honestly, i dont even know what i should do...
basket case: i'm just doing what i can...
the One: just dont dwell in self pity or sorrow la..
the One: sa rasa ko telampau fikir baitu
the One: cuba ko jan telampau fikir
basket case: it's easy for you to say lah...i'm stil coping. i've never been in this situation before...
the One: you focus on something else
the One: coz the more you think of it kan
the One: the more you';re gonna regret it and you hate it
the One: bah sa nda tau ko la
the One: I'm not that selfish as u think I am..
the One: I care..
the One: too much..
the One: about others than my own self
basket case: i was just saying that to irritate you...
the One: i don't get irritated easily
the One: seriously
basket case: i just can't stop thinking about you...and thats what troubling me...
the One: if you u do something or anyone else do something to make me feel bad...and I don't seem like I care, because thats how I am...
the One: I'm hurting too
the One: but,, sa nda la smpi mcm tu skali
basket case: cos you've been in this situation before...and i've never
the One: ya, dulu sa nda juga sampai mcm tu skali
the One: paling lama 1 week
the One: after that, sa lupa sudah...yg sa sakit hati
the One: or sa sedih
basket case: well...thats why lah sa bilang sa bukan mcm ko..
basket case: i'm not tough like you..
the One: emm
the One: bah...
the One: sa pi kelas dulu la
basket case: ok...
the One: nda bah actually sa mau tidur
basket case: orait, pi lah
the One: tq
basket case: welcome

now tell me, would you be hurt reading something like this? the only person you've ever cared about is asking you to forget about them and get on with your life...and that doesn't hurt?! hmm...but that person has a point. i should move on..and i will, soon as i now how to... sucks isnt't it..

i'm still deeply in love with that person...and getting over it wouldn't be quick and easy like a walk in a park. darn pathetic..

my own prison...

heya blog,

do you have any idea what i'm going through now? what i'm feeling? i'm not really sure how to put it in a coherent sentence, but what i feel now is like..i'm out there but at the same time, feel somewhat imprisoned. get what i mean? :). dont think so...anyway, i'll try to elaborate further as i can okay :).

what i meant by 'i'm out there' is..i'm back to socializing around without having to think much about what the other person is doing, i'm back to pretending the person what everyone wants to see. i know it's not right, i am aware that if i were to live a happy life..i need to acknowledge myself to the world for who i really am..and that's exactly something i can't afford to do...and that's where i feel like being imprisoned..imprisoned by society's religious and morale view of how a person should live their life. sad isn't it...

anyhow...i'm still coping with the 'for good break up'. it's like all the memories of the times spent with that person is no longer in my head..but instead, in my heart. yeah..sounds kinda corny isn't it :). the memories are a bit vague, but the impression has been imprinted in the emotional sense. i still know how happy i was when we were together, the butterflies, the tears, the pain and most of all..the love. strange eh..:).

honestly, i'm beginning to doubt if love even exist. i'm convincing myself that love is just a notion cooked up by selfish people to keep the person they desire close to them. probably love isn't what we feel in our hearts but something we come up with in our head :).

anyhow..it is great having you back as my confidante. had several other blogs which i thought could replace you...but there's something about you which gives me that certain degree of trust and proximity hehe. it's probably because you are my first blog...and that makes you special :).

hey...a bit tired. will update you when i feel like having to pour my hearts out okay. ciao...

the 2nd beginning...

hey there blog,

first of all, i'd like to apologize for ignoring you this long, and i'm really sorry to have deleted all the entries. i didn't mean to, just that i was too confused with what had happened and i didn't know what to do. but i do now, i've learned my lesson and i will never again ignore you...

things has been rough for me for the past 7 months, but guess what...remember the person i once linked the blog to you? the one person i've ever really loved (until now)...well, we broke up for good this time. it's a good thing i deleted all your entries, cos all those emotions were brought by beautiful lies. those empty promises..those words of love..none of it was real or i won't be in this situation :).

anyhow, i think i'm back to being who i was before...but i just can't bring myself to forget that person cos one thing for sure is what i felt and everything i said to that person are real..i still remember the promises made and i intend on keeping it even if it means doing it alone...shouldn't be a big problem though, there're always sacrifices to be made when love is involved...

we'll talk more about this...soon ok :)

goodnite...and do enjoy the video i found on the net. quite controversial isn't it, i know how much you like controversial stuff...so here goes :)



and here's the lyric. no worries, will translate it when i have the time okay :)

Daniel Zueras - No quiero enamorarme

yo no quiero enamorarme yeah!
vamonos!!!!
yo no quiero enamorarme auuhh!!!

se muy bien que aposte el corazon
fue el precio que pague
ya ves
por embelesarme con los duendes de tu piel
de seda
mientras bailas con la luna llena
y juegas
dame a ver tu locura
antes de decirme adios

yo no quiero enamorarme
solo estar dentro de ti
sentir el vertigo que un angel
siente con el corazon en mi
hoy no quiero enamorarme
solo estar pegado a ti
como el viento con el aire
dando lo mejor de ti,de mi

ueiyeye!!!!!

tal vez,soñe
que eramos dos almas perdidas sin eden
mi fe
ya se nos perdio el destino aquel amanecer
sin tregua
deteniendo el ritmo en tus caderas
y ahora sigo aqui
en vela
colgado de tu seduccion

yo no quiero enamorarme
solo estar dentro de ti
sentir el vertigo que un angel
siente con el corazon en mi
hoy no quiero enamorarme
solo estar pegado a ti
como el viento con el aire
dando lo mejor de ti,de mi

seras la luz que me deslumbra y luego se va
seras la huella
que se queda en el alma
sera el recuerdo de la mas dulce pasion
solo el recuerdo de un te quiero a media voz

solo quiero desnudarte
bajo esta luna de abril
el deseo mas salvaje
se desata de principio a fin

yo no...
yo no quiero enamorarme
solo estar dentro de ti
sentir el vertigo que un angel
siente con el corazon en mi
hoy no quiero enamorarme
solo estar pegado a ti
como el viento con el aire
dando lo mejor de ti, de mi

ciao...